Change is inevitable. This much is clear to me, especially as a sixteen-almost-seventeen-year-old. What else is being a teenager if not constantly changing and growing and reverting to some former version of ourselves? Majors, plans, people- they all change. I realize this isn’t some earth-shattering revelation, it isn’t original, and it certainly isn’t anything new.
I’ve been spending a lot of time editing my poetry collection recently. One big theme of my collection is change, and how I reckon with it. Or, rather, reckon(ed) with it, past tense. Most of the poems in my collection were written a little more than a year ago, and I can hardly believe how little I recognize of myself in so many of the poems. When I wrote my collection, nothing made any sense, least of all myself. I felt a metaphorical rug had been pulled out from under me, and I was left tumbling. All my plans changed, the perfect junior year I had envisioned dissipated before my eyes. That’s not to say I don’t recognize myself in any of my poems, or that I’m a completely different person. I think it just depends on the day.
I’ve also been thinking recently about how the person we are might really depend on the day. The idea sounds strange, contradictory to everything we know of ourselves- but hear me out. I used to think the only time I could implement change in my life was on New Year’s, the first of a month, on Mondays. At least for me, the changes I make in my life from day to day are infinitely more valuable than whatever I try to do for a New Year’s resolution. Waking up and getting out of bed happens every day, not just on Mondays. Some days my ✨sad™ ✨ poems seem like all there ever was, some days my light, fluffy poems are all I am. Change can happen any day, but it doesn’t mean that a lack of it defines me. The mood in any poem I write is not permanent, just as no state of being can be permanent.
Does any of that make sense? I don’t know, but this isn’t heavily edited today. Here’s a brain dump/rant, right from my hands to your inbox. I don’t know if this is even encouraging or discouraging, but in writing it and thinking these thoughts it felt reassuring. You can change any time you want. You’re not tied to your mistakes. Change can be frightening and oftentimes unwelcome, but in this regard, I’m glad for it.
Hope you all are having a wonderful week! Thank you for reading, and as always, comment or message me on Instagram @nia.m.writer if you want to discuss anything I said in today’s newsletter! :)
-nia mahmud
it makes sense. i feel the same way you do and it's always seemed too incoherent to put into words, so i'm relieved someone finally did it. it really is dependent on the day, man.