I’ve been thinking recently about what comes with sharing any creative endeavor, and I came to the conclusion it’s two main factors: vulnerability from the artist/writer, and perception from the audience.
I like the idea of the artist not being the same as the person who’s presenting the art. Does this make sense? If I write a poem and tear my heart out of my chest, the version of me that’s writing it isn’t the same as the version of me presenting it to you on a platter. I just think there’s something so comforting in this, in being able to separate it.
Maybe that’s just me searching for comfort where none exists, though. Maybe both versions of me are the same and it doesn’t matter if I’m presenting it in a different mindset when I’m the one that wrote it. Whatever mindset I was in, it’s frozen in time in the poem, and I can’t change that.
For example, if someone reads one poem I wrote from a year ago, knowing nothing else about me, how would they see it? Let’s say the poem they read is about my uncertainty in a decision I’ve made. This reader would be convinced this version of me from a year ago must be who I am now. If they read none of my other poems, I will remain in their eyes someone who is uncertain and emotional, forever. First of all, fair enough, maybe I am. In seriousness though, they won’t know that they’re wrong. And it doesn’t really matter if they are wrong, either. If the way they consume the poem is the same, does it really matter what they think of me, the poet?
I guess I also feel some loss of control in knowing that I don’t know who exactly is reading every single one of my poems. More importantly- I don’t know what they think of me as a person. Before, I said that it doesn’t matter what the reader’s perception is because they’ll think of me whatever they want to. This might be true. But I resent the idea of seeming like a flat character, an unchanging story. I don’t believe my poems are always an accurate representation of who I am as a person. Can a person’s art really define who they are? I want to be a dynamic character, I want to be seen as such.
I concern myself too much with the perception others have of me and my poetry, if I haven’t made that obvious. I’ve heard artists say before that once something of yours is out in the world, it’s no longer for you. It’s for the readers. And while I love the idea of people resonating with and relating to my work, there is something unsettling in knowing that my poetry, once ‘out in the world,’ isn’t meant for me. My poetry, before anything else, has always been meant for me first.
Sharing any type of creative endeavor has a few guarantees, I think, and this is what I started this newsletter with. Vulnerability from the artist, which in turn results in perception from whoever is consuming said art. I didn’t really elaborate on the vulnerability part, but that’s because I see it as a given. The perception others have of me or my art wouldn’t matter as much if I didn’t have to be vulnerable first.
My feelings on this are constantly changing. I feel so grateful that there are people who want to perceive my poetry in the first place, but other times I wish I never let any of my writing escape a notebook or google doc.
That being said, I’m still here, writing a long newsletter with an extended rant and musings for people to read. And I hope you do read it, and think about it, but I also hope you don’t think of me, the person.
Vulnerability doesn’t get easier, it just becomes instinct. Nevertheless, most times I’m kind of glad that strangers on the internet judge me based off of a jumble of words I call poetry. It’s pretty cool. Sometimes it’s overwhelming, but isn’t everything sometimes overwhelming, especially the things that matter?
As always, thank you for reading my newsletter! Today’s is longer than all the other ones I’ve written I think, and it’s definitely aimed at my poetry audience because I think most of you can probably relate. If you want to discuss anything I said in today’s newsletter, comment here or DM me on Instagram! Thank you for being here!! :)
-nia mahmud