Hi everyone! Happy Friday! It’s been a long week: I honestly feel I was just typing out last week’s newsletter! But, I digress. It is a new week, and a new newsletter. So today I wanted to talk about the stress of submitting things! Sometimes assignments, but mostly submissions for magazines, contests, or scholarships.
I figured this topic is more relatable than I previously thought it was, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot this week! This struggle isn’t something new- a lot of times I also stress about replying to emails, dms, etc. But the worries intensify when I’m considering applying to a a magazine or contest or anything similar.
In retrospect, I’m astounded with my growth since the start of the pandemic, my growth in just a year. Quarantine did facilitate a lot of that growth, and now it’s like I can separate myself into two different versions. The me before the pandemic would never have dreamed of applying to magazines or pitching article ideas. She couldn’t have imagined that she would have a whole community of people who wanted to read her poetry and her words, or that she would even have the courage to share her poetry in the first place. I couldn’t have fathomed having my work in print, in magazines along side artists I admire so much. My writing has improved, and with it my willingness to share it.
I say this because that doesn’t mean everything is magically perfect. Initially it probably sounds irrelevant. Like, I’ve grown, big deal. But I still back out at the last minute from submitting an application or contest entry.
For example, in November, there had been a writing contest I was looking forward to applying to. I put the due date on my calendar and everything, I planned when I was going to work on my submission. But I knew there was a lot of competition, with people who were way more experienced than me. People who went to schools with a focus in art and writing, instead of being essentially self taught. I was proud of my poems, I had worked on them for ages until I thought they were perfect. But hovering over the submission button, they looked childish. Uninteresting. Not at all compelling. Instead of letting the judges make the decision, I made the decision for them. I didn’t submit my poems. It was so disheartening to cross off the note on my calendar that said it was due.
Fear still wins. I’ve made tremendous personal strides. Obviously fear hasn’t always won. I bit my lip and submitted my article to Unpublished. I held my breath and sent my application to Unfiltered, to Living Zine. It was difficult, without a doubt. But I’ve come to learn that doing nothing is a decision in and of itself. Not submitting is still a decision. Doing nothing is a choice, and it’s a choice I’ve made repeatedly. I’ve been so paralyzed by fear I don’t even give myself a chance. Fear still wins. It will continue to win, sometimes. But that doesn’t mean that sometimes I won’t come out on top. Sometimes I’m the one who declares victory. And every time I do, it makes the next time easier.
Previously I mentioned my growth. That’s because in thinking about all of this, I came to a conclusion. Fear still winning doesn’t discredit my growth. I feel like I’m beating fear more often than I was before, I’m taking more chances, and that’s a win in my book.
That was more casual-essay type than my previous newsletters so far, as well as more personal! I hope you enjoyed! Until next week! Thank you so so much for reading! It means everything to me, always :))
-nia mahmud <3